The Queerest Things I Watched Last Week – February 1, 2021

Queerest Things - Riverdale Prom

On this chapter of The Queerest Things I Watched Last Week, It’s the Riverdale Prom, what could go wrong? Find out as I also try to figure out how they’re going to work pregnancy into Choni’s storyline.

Warning: This post contains spoilers!
Riverdale – Season 5 Episode 1-2 “Chapter Seventy-Seven: Climax” and “Chapter Seventy-Eight: The Preppy Murders” [Live]

When we got the news Vanessa Morgan’s pregnancy (congratulations, Vanessa!) was going to be written IN to her character’s story on Riverdale, the LezWatch community fretted about how.

  • Cheryl and Toni have a baby?
  • Surrogate situation?
  • Toni cheats?
  • Choni breaks up and Toni gets pregnant?
  • Aliens impregnate Toni?

We haven’t found out yet, but I keep second-guessing the show thinking they are laying the groundwork for those of us who are emotionally attached to Choni.

The Riverdale season 5 premiere episode starts with Cheryl expressing how very very important being the Riverdale Prom Queen is to her. She and Toni staff the signup table and she chases everyone away who tries to apply.

Riverdale Prom - Toni and I are campaigning to be co-queens

As usual, Toni is like, “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me, babe.”

Later, Cheryl tells Toni she wants to have a big dinner before Prom for both of their families. But Toni says that’s not a good idea. She makes it look like her family is homophobic, but that’s not the real reason.

I actually like the “My family doesn’t want me to date you, but it’s not for homophobic reasons” trope, but Cheryl is not happy.

Meanwhile, in a less interesting part of the episode, it’s Archie’s mom and her girlfriend, Brooke!

Hi, Mary and Brooke! I’m glad you two are still together.

Back to Choni.

Right before Cheryl leaves for the Riverdale Prom Toni shows up at her door.

Riverdale prom - Toni you came.gif

Of course, Cheryl and Toni win the title of Riverdale Prom Queens. Could you imagine if they didn’t? Cheryl would have gone all Carrie and burned the school down.

Riverdale - Riverdale High's first openly gay royal couple

Despite some creepy Riverdale style shenanigans, it was a great night for Cheryl. When she leaves to go home she assumes Toni will be coming with her, but that is not the case. Toni’s Nana ordered her to be home by midnight.

Riverdale Prom - I'm sure we'll be able to work it out

This is what my paranoid queer fan brain is thinking at this point:

  • They are preparing us for a breakup.
    • They created an insurmountable conflict.
    • Cheryl is already grieving.
    • Toni is already emotionally distant.
    • This is evidenced by their sad and apathetic hug at the end.

Also, this seems very out of nowhere. I thought Toni practically lived with Cheryl, wouldn’t her Nana want to know where she’s staying every night? This conflict feels artificially heightened to create a reason to break them up.

In the next episode, Toni sees Cheryl at school and apologizes again for not going home with her after prom. Cheryl is very understanding, but also has a new plan to right the wrongs of her family’s past.

Riverdale - Blossom family business

I have to take a quick detour at this point, because this happened.

You know how I feel about fictitious characters and guns and OMG Mishel Prada with a gun. Pass me my fainting couch.

Back to Choni! During a board meeting with the extended Blossom family, Cheryl reveals her plan. She wants to sell a parcel of land to the Governor who will turn it into a sanctuary for the Uktena, the indigenous people the Serpents were founded on who were slaughtered by Cheryl’s ancestors. With the money from the sale, they will rebuild, re-open and rebrand Blossom Maple Syrup.

Cheryl’s family is having none of it.

Riverdale - We have no interest in reopening the factory

That didn’t go well.

Later, Cheryl comes home to find her grandma Rose in full funeral attire. It looks like there were some deaths in the family.

So, Cheryl’s mom faked suicides for their entire extended family. How in the world did she accomplish that? It was probably a difficult enough effort to get them all on a Zoom meeting, let alone go to all their houses and get them to drink poison. Do they all live together? How did Cheryl’s mom even know of her plans? I didn’t see her on the call.

This show is not known for their realistic plot lines, so I’ll let it go.

Okay, what is happening now? I feel less paranoid about a breakup but still don’t know where the baby is going to come from. Also, will Cheryl’s plan win over Toni’s Nana? We’ll have to wait and see.

This week: Shameless is back and hopefully, we’ll find out what the heck is up with Sandy’s mystery husband!

About Tracy Levesque

America's favorite biracial, TV obsessed lesbian. Tracy will watch almost any show with queer female characters and has a lot to say about it. She is happy to have joined queer WordPress superpowers with Mika to build this site. She lives with her wife and kid in Philly.

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