The Queerest Things I Watched Last Week – March 19, 2018

Queerest things - The Fosters couples retreat

On this chapter of The Queerest Things I Watched Last Week, we all go on Stef and Lena’s couples retreat together. Jane the Virgin has its queerest episode ever, and Hen confronts her ex.

  1. The Fosters – Season 5 Episode 18 “Just Say Yes” [Live]
  2. The big day has arrived, folks. It’s Stef and Lena’s couples retreat!

    At family dinner’s Lena’s all “we don’t have to go” which starts the two of them bickering. Mariana puts a stop to it.

    Stef and Lena's couples retreat - you two need to work on your relationship

    When your own kids are encouraging you to work on your relationship, you know it’s bad.

    Stef and Lena arrive at the retreat, and it’s already off to a heterocentric start.

    The Fosters GIF - Stef and Lena's couples retreat this is for your husband

    Stef is amused by the mistake and says, “It’s no problem; I’ll be the man.”

    After Bill and Beth give them each envelopes containing their assignments for the weekend, Stef says one the funniest lines in Fosters history.

    The Fosters GIF - Stef and Lena's couples retreat that would be a surprise

    First retreat activity – Goat Yoga! Why is this a thing? “Goat healing energy?” Really?

    You know when you’re the only queer couple at a thing and everyone there says annoying things to you? That’s what’s happening to Stef and Lena.

    Fosters GIF - Stef and Lena's couples retreat maybe that is the problem

    I think the guy’s on to something.

    They then try a canoeing exercise which goes terribly wrong. Stef and Lena argue about the canoeing and about being there in general, when Bill and Beth walk up.

    The Fosters GIF - couples retreat group

    I would totally be Stef in this scenario. I would hate to be stuck in group therapy with a bunch of couples I had nothing in common with, let alone do goat yoga and all the other retreat activities.

    In group therapy, Stef is obviously relating to another women with a challenging relationship with her dead father. Meanwhile, Lena pretty much says she doesn’t know what’s going to keep them together after all the kids leave. Damn, that’s bleak, Lena.

    That night Lena’s given the assignment of writing a X-rated letter to her “husband,” and Stef does not react well.

    The Fosters - couples retreat letter

    Shouldn’t this be the only fun part of the retreat? Private time with your wife away from the kids without any group activities or goats? If I were Lena, I would be pissed.

    Stef leaves her wife to go get some air outside (why do people on TV always need to get some air), and runs into the metaphorical ghost of her dead dad. She talks to him, has an Epiphany, and tells herself she’s not ashamed.

    Stef then goes back to the room where Lena is drinking champagne alone. She tells her that Tess moving in next door brought up old feelings of shame, and when her and Lena “make love” (gross), she has feelings of what they’re doing is wrong.

    Ok, I know I’m a cynical jerk, but don’t you think this would have been something that came up already in 16 or whatever years of being together?

    I guess Stef and Lena “made love” even though it was all off-screen implied.

    In the morning, Stef has her husband assignment of proposing to her wife again. Stef does it and actually looks happy about it.

    The Fosters - marry you every time

    Retreat end.

  3. The Fosters – Season 5 Episode 19 “Many Roads” [Live]
  4. I’m sorry, but 2 hours of The Fosters is too much for me to recap. In this episode not much happens with Stef and Lena, but we jump ahead years into the future after all the kids have graduated high school. I guess Stef and Lena worked things out.

    What should I give this week’s Stef and Lena passion Index?

    • Their kids had to talk them into going on the retreat.
    • They failed the canoe test.
    • They argued about the canoe test and the retreat in general.
    • Stef flat-out rejected Lena’s x-rated letter assignment.
    • They processed shame issues and hugged.
    • They did it (I guess).
    • They had a legit nice proposal scene with a kiss.

    I’m gonna give it 3 out of 5 sad sponges because of all the fighting. However I’ll make the 3rd sponge flaming hot for the retreat bang.

    Stef and Lena passion Index

  5. 9-1-1 – Season 1 Episode 9 “Trapped” [Live]
  6. How in the world did I not notice each episode had a theme before? Now that I see it, I feel like I’m being hit in the face with it every 10 minutes.

    Last week’s theme was about being trapped, and Hen confronted Eva about her trap of a custody suit as a manipulative move to try to get back together.

    I really think shows should hire me to be their queer parent realness consultant because I have some questions.

    Is Hen Denny’s legal parent, meaning, did she second parent adopt him after he was born? Did Eva sign away her parental rights? It seems to me that she did, because Hen says, “You couldn’t sign those papers to give him away fast enough.” If all that is true, then did Ren step-parent adopt him? With only one legal parent, Ren could have adopted him which would make the two of them his legal parents. At that point, Eva has no legal relationship to Denny, and I can see no way a custody suit could go anywhere.

    All that being said, Hen still made a giant mess sleeping with Eva. The Finale is this week! We’ll see what happens.

  7. Life Sentence – Season 1 Episode 2 “Re-Inventing The Abbotts” [Live]
  8. While Aria/Stella is helping her mom with some gardening, her mom feels it appropriate to tell her the best part about kissing a woman.

    Life sentence GIF - The best part about kissing a woman

    Girl, I agree 100%.

  9. Riverdale – Season 2 Episode 15 “Chapter Twenty-Eight: There Will Be Blood” [Live]
  10. During a very tense Blossom family dinner, Cheryl’s uncle tells this story of his travel adventures.

    Riverdale GIF - Cheryl and Toni at dinner lesbos

    Oh my gosh, that made me laugh out loud.

  11. Jane the Virgin Person Who’s Not Going to Worry Until There’s Something to Worry About. – Season 4 Episode 13 “Chapter Seventy-Seven” [Live]
  12. Wow, this was the queerest episode of Jane the Virgin yet! I had a hard time keeping up with it all.

    Jane joined a writing group to deal with her writer’s block. There, she tells the group she’s used up the one great story she had to tell. They say she can tell it again, but maybe from a different perspective. The group leader then gives everyone the assignment of telling a life event from the perspective of a side character.

    Meanwhile, Petra is happy to receive a “come see me ASAP” text from JR.

    Jane the Virgin GIF - Side piece

    She shows up at JR’s office all dressed up, but oops, her mom is there.

    Jane the Virgin - you remember my mom

    Petra wants to know if JR wants to come by later for more “strategizing,” but JR thinks they need to have a talk instead.

    Jane the Virgin GIF - One Time thing

    Oh no, it’s the classic “one time thing” trope, however I have faith it’ll happen more than one time.

    Jane is working on her side character project when Rafael hands her Luisa’s deposition from back when she accidentally inseminated Jane. Jane then decides to tell the show’s origin story from Luisa’s perspective. Wow! Luisa is back. I had been so wrapped up in #Petramos I almost forgot about her and Rose. Besides, a show can only have a max of two queer characters at a time, right?

    Luisa tells the story of the night before the insemination. She had sex with her wife before going to a party Raf was throwing. We get to meet Luisa’s ex-wife, Allison, for the first time and it’s Kennedy from Buffy! So meta-gay.

    Luisa goes to the party alone, and “she” is there. Any by she, we mean Rose, Luisa’s most recent step-mother.

    Jane the Virgin - Luisa and Rose Where's your wife

    After the party, Luisa comes home to discover her wife in bed with her assistant!

    Jane the Virgin - Allison and her assistant

    Later in Luisa’s story she explained feeling like she was doomed to be like her mother. She was going to end it all and throw herself in the Ocean when she got a call from Rose. Knowing Rose loved her talked her off the ledge.

    Jane the Virgin - Rose-I will always love you Luisa

    Back to present day. In his quest to find his birth parents, Rafael finds Luisa working at an Inn. She has his papers from the orphanage he was adopted from. When they talk Rose says she’s happy, sober and finally done with Rose, however, she doesn’t have the papers anymore. Rose does know who his parents are. She tells him to go ask her, but don’t tell her where she is. She wants to move on from her.

    Jane the Virgin - I'm finally done with rose

    Over in Petra and JR Land, they think they’ve figured out who the blackmailer is — Petra’s ex-huband MiloΕ‘. But that turns out to be untrue. Finally they figure out it was Petra’s verbally abused assistant, Krishna, all along. She is the only one who would know all of this information about Petra and have access to plant the incriminating screws. JR and Petra confront her and she escapes out the window, leaving a note behind.

    Jane the Virgin GIF - Petra and JR reading Krishna's note

    Mystery solved!

    Rafael does visit Rose in prison to get information about his birth parents, but she wont give it up until he give her some information as well.

    Jane the Virgin - Rose-Tell me where Luisa is

    With this exchange and Rose saying “I love you, I always will, never doubt that” in the flashback, I think they are setting it up for the two of them to have more plot together.

    Petra’s off the hook for murder, therefore she and JR have no continuing need to work together. It’s time to say goodbye.

    Omg, the Jane the Virgin writers are torturing us, although I know we all half love it.

    In summary, this episode had SEVEN queer female characters!

    7 Queer Characters on Jane the Virgin

    Most network shows act like more than two is too many, like queer stories take away from straight ones or somehow make a show less engaging and entertaining for a wide audience. This episode proved that is not true. Also, I’m hoping it wont be the last time we have more than two recurring queer characters on a single episode. I’m confident Petra and JR are not over, and they are setting us up for Rose finding out where Luisa is.

  13. The Good Fight – Season 2 Episode 3 “Day 422” [Streaming]
  14. Marissa opens up an envelope with powder in it, and Maia gets some on her hand. The floor is evacuated and a team in full hazmat suits come to rescue them. Marissa tells one of the officers he should come out for drinks with them if they make it out alive.

    It turns out to be baking powder, and all is well. Marissa and Maia go out for drinks, and the officer shows up! Marissa pulls Maia into the bathroom and explains the officer dude is into HER. Maia is like, “What? No, I’m not interested in him.” Marissa encourages her to make is clear to the dude that she’s gay. So she does just that.

    Good Fight GIF - Maia I'm just gay

    That scene was so funny AND at the end of the episode you see Marissa and the dude kissing in the elevator. Good for her!

Wow, the Fosters and Jane the Virgin had so much queer in it, I felt like I wrote two novels. Tonight, it looks like Avalance is back and fingers crossed for Gina Rodriguez appearing in Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I can’t wait to add her to the site!

About Tracy Levesque

America's favorite biracial, TV obsessed lesbian. Tracy will watch almost any show with queer female characters and has a lot to say about it. She is happy to have joined queer WordPress superpowers with Mika to build this site. She lives with her wife and kid in Philly.
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